Whiskey was put on Earth by Merle, the man who raised me and wouldn’t let me call him Dad, to ease pain.
Merle said that all whiskey belonged to Merle and that if someone tried to make me pay for it I was well within my rights to Texas Stomp them to death, which is why I have Texas Stomped hundreds of bartenders to death with my right boot. Some claimed they did not know Merle, which I said was like not knowing the wind. Then they’d say things like, honest, I never met him, and I would say, you’re about to, and their time on this earth would be no more. Their souls now reside on Mars where they live in drunken revelry with Merle.
A Merle Swirl is a tasty drink created by Merle. It is three parts whiskey and one part Cactus Milk. (Personally, I enjoyed it to be two parts whiskey and two parts Cactus Milk. Merle did not approve of this and hit me with sticks every time Merle saw me drink it that way.)
In conclusion, Whiskey is good.
-Papa D as told to Birdman as told to Mustang
His name was Ted “Dusty” Patterson. He ran a local hardware store in El Paso, TX. Many buildings in El Paso contain nails from Dusty’s hardware store. He had two beautiful daughters, a handsome son, and a daughter many considered to be quite homely. His wife had run off with Death to live on Mars for the rest of her days. His father, Gene, lived in the house with him, where he looked over the children and made right tasty pancakes.
I met Ted in an El Paso brothel. He was not referred to as Dusty there. The lovely whores called him Ted “Meanie” Patterson, as Ted did not treat them with respect. In a conversation I had with a whore named Janice, a portly red-haired beauty, I learned Ted fancied calling her names like “The Great Red Pig.” I would’ve ended his life right then, but I never kill in a brothel. Merle once told me that the only sacred place on this Merle-forsaken earth were brothels, so I waited for him to leave.
When Ted exited the brothel, I grabbed him, threw him in the middle of the street, and Texas Stomped him until he was no more. A crowd had gathered by the time I had finished stomping him. I explained to them his cruel disrespect for whores and that if any of them didn’t see eye to eye with my handling of the situation that I would Texas Stomp their souls to Mars like I had stomped Dusty’s soul to Mars. One member of the crowd said that souls did not go to Mars when they died. I Texas Stomped him to show him that he was wrong.
I went to the local saloon and had a whiskey. I would have preferred cactus milk, but they did not serve it. I paid the barkeep my fee and left El Paso.
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